Snape's Blind Date
by Xenophobic Doll
Summary: How is it that Snape goes out on a date and ends up with his toe in a dog's arse? Could it be..... Potter! Cracked Fic. Rated for my foul mouth.


**** This is all from Snape's POV.  He goes on a date, he thinks he's gonna get some, but well... I wrote the story so,of course, everything goes horribly WRONG! Buahahahaha!  Enjoy.

                                                Snape Didn't Get a Piece

            There he was, standing in his living quarters at Hogwarts, all traces of dignity gone (Snape doesn't need dignity anyway, trust me.).  His robes were torn and covered in grass stains and wine (or should we say whine?), his hand was bandaged, he was covered in bruises, and worst of all… a hideous, twenty pound, yappy beast of a dog had taken a rather keen chunk out of his arse.  This is the state that Professor Severus Snape, King of the Sharp Tongue and Master of Student Cruelty was reduced to.  Snape didn't see how it had happened.  After his ten year striking-out streak, he'd had all sorts of well laid plans.  He'd wine and dine the wench, after which he'd have his wicked way with her and finally SCORE!  Yeahhhh!! SCORE!!!  But, something went horribly wrong.  The Fates hadn't wanted Snape to tap that ass.  He didn't understand why either.  He'd planned the entire night so carefully…….  (Eh, those dots are like.. supposed to be a transition screen or something, 'cept ya know, no screen and no animation.  Only the best from me to you, eh?)

            Snape went to her cottage in Hogsmeade while she was out shopping to set everything up.  When she came home, she found a path of red rose petals that started at her feet and led to the front door.  She followed them up the stairs, and as she opened the door, even more rose petals drifted lazily about her shoulders.  She stepped inside her parlor, and the flower petals continued, leading her through the kitchen, onto her back patio, where a lovely sight awaited her.  

            In her back yard, amidst a sea of red and white rose petals there was a beautiful table set for two.  The expensive table cloth was made of fine lace, as were the napkins that had been artfully folded to resemble swans.  The china was Limoges, lined in platinum, and the flatware was nothing but the finest of silver.  An elaborate candelabra sat in the middle of the table, holding tapered vanilla candles.  Twinkling goblets of Waterford crystal sat beside each plate, and a bottle of wine chilled in a sterling bucket.  Next to the table stood none other than Severus Snape (who thought he was gonna SCORE).  He was dressed in his finest black robes, and he proved he cleaned up quite well.  His shoulder length hair was pulled into a ponytail at the nape of his neck, and he'd managed to make himself look quite interesting and exotic if not downright sexy.

            She looked stunned as she walked in Snape's direction.  He smiled at the shocked look on her face.  She stopped right in front of him, drew her arm back, and beat the crap out of him with her pocketbook.  "Severus!!  JUST HOW MANY DAMN POOR INNOCENT FLOWERS DID YOU KILL TRYING TO IMPRESS ME?!?" she screeched.  

            _Owww__, jebus (aka jesus), he thought, _that hurts!  Is she hiding a couple of small children in that garbage bag she calls a purse?_ He stammered, "I thought you would like them-"_

            "WELL THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR THINKING ISN'T IT??"  She sounded more dreadful than a banshee.

            She started for her chair, and Snape hurried over to her and tried to pull out her chair.  

            "This is the twenty-first century!  I don't need any man to pull out my chair!" And then she pushed him out of the way.

            _Well this isn't going very well, thought Snape._  Not well at ALL.  This woman is just terrible.  She's…well, she's like me!  She IS me.  This woman is ME, but… without a dick!  I should save me from myself!  Except, I'm just so damn horny!  It's been ten years!........................................  I'll put up with it.__

            Severus went to the bucket, and with a flourish, pulled out the bottle of wine.  Surely this would impress her, he'd spend damn near a sack of Galleons to get it.  It was the finest wine available to the wizarding world (although, it wasn't half as good as his moonshine).  Acting like a very impressive connoisseur, Snape gracefully filled her goblet.  She promptly threw it all over him, snatched his bottle of wine and threw it across her yard. She shrieked at him, "I DON'T DRINK!  DO I LOOK LIKE AN ALCHOLICS ANONYMOUS REJECT TO YOU?  IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?"

            "No, no.  Of course not.  I just... I just wasn't thinking, that's all.  What would you like to drink?" said Severus quickly.

            "Water.  Chilled."

            With a wave of his wand, Snape conjured up a glass of perfectly chilled water, and with another wave, their plates filled.  After the food magically appeared on the china, she looked like she was about to accuse Snape of thinking of her as a pig, but mercifully she held her tongue.  Snape for his part, didn't taste anything he ate.  He could see his chances for beaver slipping away from him.  It wasn't a good situation.  Snape wasn't going to get laid.  Then it occurred to him:  _I'll impress her with the amazing dexterity of my sexy, gorgeous feet!_

            He slunk down in his chair slowly, so as not to arouse her suspicion or wrath.  He toed off his shoe, and reached carefully down to pull off his sock.   With a smile on his face, he leaned back to let his foot do the work.  It wasn't long until his foot encountered something soft, warm, and fuzzy.  He ran his toes gently over it, looking for just the right spot.  His smile widened even more as he felt his toe sink into something hot and moist.  Unfortunately for Snape, it didn't take long for his smile to vacate the premises.  He'd put his big toe right into her dog's ass!  The dog let out a terrible yelp, and Snape let out a high scream.  He tried to jump back, but his chair got in the way, and he fell in a heap on the ground, tangled up in his robes.  While Snape struggled to get back to his feet, the dog ran over and bit him right on his left butt cheek.  He hollered and fell again, and when he raised up, he was met by her purse.

            "You sick bastard!  You were molesting my dog and screaming like a sissy while you were doing it!"

            Snape decided he'd had enough.  He stood, with her still beating him, and her dog still hanging off his ass and raised his wand.  Before she could blink, he'd transfigured her into an empty Pepsi can (he'd seen one used as a port key once).  He turned the dog into the rat it so resembled, and made his way slowly back to Hogwarts, playing kick the can the whole way back.

***** One last thing, I have to say thanks to my friend Integ (aka Shitfer).  He'll know why I'm thanking him if he reads this.  ~~ X.D.


End file.
